Heated Outings
by Michelle H. C. Zhu
Summary: When the ever–so–dignified Siegfried von Schroider is forced into buying feminine hygiene products for Anzu, he finds that it's not as simple as it seems. Especially when everybody in the store thinks he's a girl.


Siegfried von Schroider found himself in a bad position one fateful morning.

"Will you calm dow—_ack_—this is ridiculo—_oww_—of for the love of…not the **VASE**—"

As he dodged another expensive family heirloom being thrown in the direction of his head, Siegfried vaguely wondered why he decided to get a girlfriend in the first place. His pondering lasted for only a few seconds before they were interrupted with another thought—_survival_.

"I just said you looked a tad bloated this morning!" Siegfried flailed in self-defense; looking terror-struck at the She-demon.

A young female of eighteen placed her hands on her waist at this blunt statement. She shook the brown bangs out of her face and cerulean eyes glared venomously at the pink-haired man.

"What do you mean a_ tad_? Are you implying I'm fat?" Anzu Mazaki snarled.

An indignant sputter. "What? **NO**…where did you—wait, no, never mind…" he sighed heavily. "I'm better of not knowing, aren't I?"

"What do you mean, _never mind_?"

"Nothing...nothing at all!"

"Are you implying something else?"

"_No_!"

The apricot girl stared at Sieg for a moment before plopping down on a nearby couch. "I'm too tired for this," she muttered. "PMS gives me a headache..."

Siegfried anxiously stood in the corner, his eyes darting around for a suitable escape exit. Perhaps when she was looking the other way…

Anzu frowned. "Did you hear that?" —he nodded quickly — "I'm tired chasing you around all day so now I need some sleep. While I'm asleep, I need you to run down to the supermarket and buy me pads. I ran out of them the other day."

Siegfried, being the ever-so-knowledgeable male he was, stared blankly at Anzu. "You want body armor?" he asked bleakly, his mind already reflecting on all the things his girlfriend would need body armor for—the first one being Anzu had signed up for target practice at their local police station. He grimaced at the thought.

"No. Pads."

The blank stare remained.

"MAXI! WHISPER! KOTEX!"

Apparently, the word 'Kotex' registered in the CEO's mind because Siegfried's eyes lit up in understanding. He smirked and some of his confident personality returned to him. "Ah, I understand now."

Anzu sighed in relief.

"Kotex is a type of sushi, isn't it?" Siegfried grinned and leaned forward with a happy glint twinkling in his eye. "You want me to buy you lunch, right?"

Anzu face-faulted and pushed him away. It took her a few moments to regain her slackened composure and mentally wonder how in the world he could not know what pads are. Any decent and knowledgeable boyfriend should be able to follow up on their female lover's demand during their menstrual session (disgusting or not), but Siegfried, heavens Siegfried was completely **clueless**, having no experience whatsoever. Anzu ran her fingers through her hair, baaing blearily. That could be a reason—she was his _first_ girlfriend, after all. She gathered the remainder of her patience and took a deep breath, staring at him as adamantly as possible.

"Siegfried von Schroider. I want you to go and buy me sanitary tissues."

Blank stare.

Blank stare.

Blank stare.

_Comprehension. _

Siegfried leaped back, his face confronted with horror. "…**WHAT**? WHAT DO YOU MEAN SANTIARY TISSUES?" —Anzu folded her arms— "But, but, I didn't agree, uh, to any of this!"

"Too bad. You're going to do it whether you like it or not."

"But—!"

Anzu looked him squarely in the eye. "If you don't, you will spend a full afternoon looking after Mokuba while Kaiba-kun is away on his business trip next week," she threatened tetchily. "I promised Shizuka-chan I'd do it, but I'm obviously in no condition to be doing anything other than sleeping in my bed." She thought for a moment. "As a matter of fact, I'm going to do just that."

"It's eleven in the morning."

A glare shut him up. "_BED_."

She turned around and begin heading for their bedroom. Siegfried frowned and treaded after his girlfriend.

"I don't see why I should. And stop addressing Kaiba with a –kun. Isn't that term only used for close relationships?"

Anzu stopped walking and looked stonily at the taller man. "Alright then," she said with a twitch of her right eyebrow. Normally she would be flattered with his possessive jealously, but today she just felt too worn out to put up with this nonsense. And then there's the fact Kaiba already had a girlfriend. "If you don't hold up to your part of the deal then as punishment, you will spend a full afternoon looking after Mokuba while **Herr** Kaiba—"

"—I didn't mean it like that—" Siegfried piped up dully.

"—is away on his business trip. And I don't come from a European country," she added as Siegfried opened his mouth again. His frown deepened as she began walking again and he hurried after her.

"I hope you realize you're a real witch during this time of month."

Anzu snorted as she trudged up the stairs. The German man made no move to follow.

"You can't just make Leon do this instead, can you now?"

Halfway up the stairs, she clung onto a staircase railing and swerved around, glaring at Siegfried.

"Oh, no, buster. You don't seem to understand WHY I'm doing this. Leon has the full trust of Mokuba and a…respectable amount from Kaiba-**kun**," she emphasized the last syllable with scowl and a hiss between her teeth. "But you, oh, _you_—" she pointed an accusing finger in his face "—tried killing them both at least TWICE!"

Siegfried raised his fist. "I object to that remark!" he protested as she stormed into her room. "…marring that little boy is **completely** different from actually killing him!"

Anzu's seething face poking out of the bedroom door immediately made him lose his will to argue over the subject. He slowly lowered his hand as she opened her mouth.

"JUST GET ME MY PADS!"

She slammed the door.

Siegfried frowned and spun a heel, flaunting off his hair so well that he reminded a passing maid of a shampoo commercial model. He ignored the gaping woman and continued to wallow in his state of self-pity and sulking. He entered the enormous living room and trudged his way over to an empty couch, parking himself in the silk cushion. This wasn't legally fair. Who's in charge of whom here? Inwardly, Siegfried sighed knowing that the blue-eyed girl would cut him off sex for a week if he didn't follow her demands.

Then a thought arose in the back of his mind. Was it possible that he just secretly hire a servant to go and fetch the cursed pads?

…no…but Siegfried knew Anzu was no brain-dead fool. Knowing her, she would suspect something of him and sweep through the entire mansion, inquiring maids and butlers left and right until she found the servant he had unfaithfully hired. Encore the screaming and beating with umbrellas.

Siegfried grimaced slightly at this possibility and pushed the idea of hiring another. He might as well do it himself. Where did Anzu usually go to shop? Wal-mart? It was rather close by from what he knew. Coming to this unpleasant conclusion, the German man sighed again. If that's the case then he must keep a low profile because being seen in a public would not do any good for his reputation. What would happen if news reporters found out that was a serving dog for a mere woman? What if _Seto Kaiba_ found out?

Astounding. The great Siegfried von Schroider, risking the well-being of his cherished company all for the sake of love. Or self preservation, anyway.

…this was not fair.

Glancing at his right, Siegfried swung out his arm and knocked a vase of roses over, just for the sake of releasing irritation. Almost immediately, hurried footsteps approached the living room.

"I heard something crash—oh dear!"

The emerald-eyed man looked up. It was the same maid from before who had watched his brilliant hair-swinging performance that would have put the best Pantene Pro V model to shame.

"…clean this up," Siegfried said briskly. He paused. "And tell Leon if I'm not back within an hour, he should order a casket."

The maid merely gawked him.

"The really expensive ones. With lace inline." —he thought for a moment— "And add some lavender perfume if you can."

…

After taking a glance in the mirror and deciding that a coat would just conceal his attractiveness from the world, Siegfried made his way out the front door of his mansion. As he stepped into comfort of his limousine (which was painted pink today to match his hair), the cold reality of the situation hit him. The sunny day suddenly lost some of its warmth as waves of numb anxiety washed over him.

Siegfried von Schroider had never gone shopping before.

* * *

The CEO stepped out of his limousine and frowned for what had to be the fifth time this morning. Tilting his head up, he read the words '**WAL-MART**' printed in big fat letters imprinted above the store's sliding doors. He was here. Dammit. He had secretly had hoped that the limo would have gotten into an unfortunate accident and that he would have no _choice_ but to return home empty-handed.

It wasn't his fault that he was extravagantly spoiled at birth and lavished with everything from the highest brand of chocolates to the most expensive clothes black money could buy—thus, limiting his exposure of the actual dirty work of choosing all the items and lugging grocery bags which was reserved for the servants instead. Honestly, if Siegfried had known he would face the horrors of shopping at Wal-mart one day in the distant future, the pink-haired man might have undergone some training back in Germany.

Siegfried sighed and shrugged his elegant shoulders, watching a chipmunk scurry past his feet, off the sidewalk and onto the black road. There was no point in crying over spilled milk now. He might as well make the best of the situation and get it over with. He calmed his twitching eyebrow.

He could do this…for Anzu.

A zooming SUV ran over the chipmunk.

…no, wait, screw that…for** Leon**.

By surviving this perilous quest for feminine hygiene products, he would set a good example for his younger brother to never leave your lady in hanging. Especially if said lady had the power to rip out your appendages in her state of violent PMSing had you returned home empty-handed.

Taking a deep breath, Siegfried walked into the store.

* * *

Five minutes and Siegfried already knew he disliked it here. It was too…cold. And there were too many…colors. Meh. He walked over to a blond-haired cashier who had her nose buried in a fashion magazine and cleared his throat to get her attention.

"Hello. Where are the…sanitary napkins?" he said uncomfortably, his German accent suddenly even more palpable than before.

She paid no notice to him. "Hmm? Can't you read?"

"Yes, but…" The CEO paused, trying to arrange his next words without sounding completely helpless. "…I am not very familiar with this whole process…"

This caught her attention. The blonde glanced up from her magazine in interest.

"Are you foreign?" she asked, eying his pink blazer.

Mai Kujaku was very fascinated as to why he was dressed so peculiarly. Siegfried on the other hand was completely unaware of the fact that the majority of the Japanese population did not wear frilly wrist cuffs and lace ruffles to a local supermarket. He thought she was merely complimenting him.

"Why, yes I am."

Upon hearing this, the cashier smirked and placed her magazine down on the counter. "Oh, well, that clears it up. For a second I thought this was just your first time or something," she laughed airily and slapped her forehead. "But then I thought to myself, 'Hey isn't this girl a bit too old for it to be her first time?' So yeah, that makes sense."

No. It didn't make sense. At least not to Siegfried who was now reduced to staring dumbly at the cashier. First time for what? And who was this 'girl' she spoke of? He looked around. There were no visible young females in sight—save a seven-year-old crying about her scantily clad Barbie doll with no head.

"Anyway, the sanitary napkins. It's in one of these aisles…uh…I'll look…" She glanced at him. "How old are you again?"

Was this actually necessary? "17."

She looked surprised. "Oh, really? Wow, hun, I'm 24 and you don't look 17 to me. Hmm…must be an odd one out of the group. I guess foreign gals like you just grow differently from us Japanese…"

Realization suddenly dawned upon him. This woman thought he was a _female_. Siegfried flinched. "I am a **MAN**," he snarled.

Mai stared blankly at him before she burst out laughing. After three full minutes filled with hysterical laughter and various glances from uneasy onlookers, Siegfried was a bit disturbed himself. What was so damned funny? She finally caught her breath halfway through the third minute. She wiped tears of mirth from her eyes and finally faced the perturbed CEO with a huge grin. "Thanks, hun. I hadn't that good of a laugh in such a long time!"

His first intention was to slap the woman senseless on the spot. But wait, wasn't his objective here to keep a low profile? Siegfried took a deep breath to calm himself and gave her the most serious look he could muster up.

"…I wasn't joking. I am a man."

She stared at him for a moment before quickly biting her lips to stop herself from starting another round of hysterical laughter. "And I'm Anna Nicole Smith," she sniggered. "In a thong."

Did he _really_ want to know? "…alright then," he finally said, twitching, desperately trying to refrain himself from leaping over the counter and strangling the woman to death. "I am…err…happy for you. So what aisle?"

Mai held up three fingers before she began to laugh again, this time even louder than the last.

Siegfried hurried away, making a mental note to send the manager of this store a compliant concerning the employment issues of hyperventilating cashiers with gender-distinguishing difficulties.

* * *

Aisle three was basically a messy row of white shelves filled with a variety of items that ranged from cleaning detergent to cat litter to women's sports bras. Siegfried turned his head in curiosity as he passed by an ostentatiously dressed redhead and _her_ supposed boyfriend with a pair of (what seemed to be the world's ugliest, or so Siegfried thought) ski goggles perched on his head. The two were arguing loudly about something concerning a gray article of clothing the_ girl_ was holding up. Siegfried frowned. They were certainly making a scene.

"For the last time, I am not going to buy this!"

The German man vaguely noticed her voice was a slightly low for an average female.

"I should see why not. It suits you perfectly."

"Did you read the tag? **DID YOU**?"

"Look. I took a good chunk out of my life to convoy you with shopping in the first place, so don't get all bitchy PMS-ing on me."

Siegfried's eyes lit up upon hearing that statement. Perhaps this brunette was in the same situation as he was and could help him on this misguided search. Eager to get this degrading task over with and move on with his life, Siegfried hurried his way over to the arguing couple.

"Don't give me that crap, Varon."

"I ain't giving you 'that crap,' Amelda."

"You're too giving me that crap with your, 'I'm too cool for you' attitude and your misguided attempt to incorporate complex vocabulary words into your sentences in an effort to outclass me."

"Oh, _look_ who's talking!"

"Well, that shouldn't be too difficult seeing as it's my mouth that's currently moving and not yours."

"Always got to have the last word, don't cha?"

"**Now** look who's talking?"

Before the argument really broke out of hand, Siegfried interrupted the quarrel with a soft but well-timed cough. The duo jerked their heads in the direction of the interloper and sent the pink-haired man a pair of death glares.

"_Yes_?"

"_What_?"

Siegfried was determined not to wince. He continued flashing his cheeky smile though it felt like his left face muscle was about to twitch its last.

"Sorry to barge in on your…friendly conversation, but I would greatly appreciate it if you kind folks could tell me exactly where" —he inserted another well-timed cough— "the feminine hygiene products are."

Siegfried was greeted with blank looks resembling the previous ones that blonde cashier was wearing.

"And why would you expect either of us to know this?" the girl resembling a street prostitute piped up.

However, the boy named Varon seemed to catch on a bit quicker and he noticed that Siegfried was staring at the gray tank top Amelda was holding up. He stifled a snigger. "Amelda. This bloke thinks you're a sheela."

An indignant sputter. "…he thinks I am a _WHAT_?"

Varon frowned and crossed his arms. "A **sheela**," he stated irritably. "Honestly, you've been hanging around me for about three years now and you have yet to understand my accent…"

The brunette trailed off and blinked as he caught sight of his comrade's face. Amelda, who was steadily growing red over the course of a few seconds, finally burst in a fit of raging anger.

"HOLD YOUR TONGUE YOU FOOL, UNLESS I CHOP IT OFF! ARE YOU BLIND? DOES ANY PHYSICAL ASPECT OF MY BODY RESEMBLE THAT OF A **FEMALE**?"

Siegfried was smart enough not to open his mouth. Likewise, Varon felt a headache starting to stir. It wasn't quite as funny to tease your companion about his cross-dressing habits when your eardrums were in danger of cracking.

"…would you feel better if I sent his soul to oblivion, mate?" he asked petulantly.

Amelda nodded, still furious. Siegfried watched uneasily as the spiky-haired boy walked in front of him and held out his left hand that bore a green stone on a ring bound around his middle finger. Varon closed his eyes.

"With this fragment of the Orichalcos, I shall send…"

_Scree._

Varon opened his eyes and frowned. Siegfried had fled out of sight.

"…damn, he got away."

* * *

Siegfried had shred all dignity and ran like the crazy man he was. He dashed down another empty aisle and was a bit too wound up to realize that neither of the bikers was tailing him. After running around in what seemed as circles for another ten minutes, Siegfried finally slowed down and took a rest. He stopped in some random aisle in the back of the store and placed his hand on a shelf for support as he tried to catch his breath.

This was wonderful. Now he officially screwed for two very solid reasons. Firstly, his suit was crumpled from all the running. (It was his best one as well.) Secondly, he couldn't go back to aisle three because those two crazy guys were there. (Actually, they weren't.) Wonderful. Just wonderful.

Siegfried suddenly pulled his hand away from the shelf. What was he holding?

It was…a package of pads. Siegfried gaped, unable to believe his good fortune. He quickly spun around, looking right and left for some sign of identification as to what aisle he was in. Where was he now and why the heck was—

"—uck! Wah—"

Out of the blue, two black-haired girls, both in aprons and holding cardboard boxes appeared next to him and one accidentally knocked him over as they walked past. Siegfried looked indignant but neither paid attention to him and instead, focused onto stocking the metal shelves with whatever was in the cardboard boxes. As the girl standing closer to him reached into the box, she pulled out a bright plastic package. She paused for a moment, staring at it bewilderedly.

"Sinnitha, what in the world's with the pads being here? Don't we usually sell them in aisle three?"

The other one looked around, mildly interested. "Oh, didn't they inform you? They decided to relocate all the hygiene products to aisle eight for lack of space and other more convenient purposes."

"Hmmm, is that why there's Pantene Pro V lined on the shelves?"

"What? No, that's Head and Shoulders. Pantene is on the opposite self behind you."

"…really? Because I though this was Pantene Pro V for thin hair. And the stuff behind me was Johnson and Johnson…"

"You're mistaken then. The shampoo you're currently holding is Head and Shoulders and Pantene Pro V is on the opposite self."

"That's impossible."

"Do you doubt me, Michelle?"

"Yes, I do. I'm 100 **SURE** it's Head and Shoulders!"

"Then you're 100 **WRONG**. It's Pantene Pro V!"

"Head and Shoulders!"

"Pantene Pro V!"

"Head and Shoulders!"

"Pantene Pro V!"

"—it's Herbal Essences!" Siegfried snapped loudly, unable to hold in his irritation any longer.

Silence. Both female employees immediately stopped their squabble and stared at him, dumbstruck. He got up from the dirty ground and brushed himself off, glaring at the two. Figures. He would know; it was his brand of conditioner anyway. Stupid teenage girls. Always being so dense and un-intellectual…

"Un-intellectual is not a word," one of the dense and un-intellectual teenage girls pointed out.

Siegfried blinked. Was he talking to himself out loud again? He had to stop doing that. (Maybe that's how Kaiba stole his idea on holograms.) The German man shot them his most deadly and unattractive glare.

"Will you please leave?" he asked coldly. "I think I hear your manager calling you."

They didn't need to be told twice.

As he watched the two dashed out of his sight, Siegfried felt powerful and commanding; he had some authority within him after all. This brought a bit of hope into his heart and suddenly, he sensed his spirits rise up again. He bent down and examined the row of sanitary napkins. Everything was so…bright and colorful. Neon pink, hot red, electric blue, carroty orange, brilliant purple…

The CEO blinked at the myriad of plastic packages on the shelves whose colors threatened to blind him had he stared at them any longer. Luckily, he was distracted.

"You know, if you buy two Softies, then you can get the third one free!" a voice behind him stated cheerfully.

Intensely startled, Siegfried almost knocked himself over (for the second time in three minutes) as he drew back from the metal shelves, scattering the multiple packages on the floor by doing so. But this voice sounded different from the other two girls—it was higher and softer in volume. He turned around and stared at the chestnut-haired girl before looking down at the nametag on her purple vest. _Kawai Shizuka_, said the nametag. It took a few moments for his mind to process the information that had just been presented to him and as to why Japanese surnames had to resemble adjectives so much. What kind of name was '_cute_' anyway?

After three seconds of underweighted silence, Siegfried finally opened his mouth to utter a single, comprehensible word, "Huh?"

The Kawai girl ignored this and beamed. "It's a free promotion!"

"What?"

"A two for one deal!"

"Oh."

"It's like killing two birds with one stone!"

Siegfried had come to the conclusion she must had a very monosyllabic love partner in order to pull off that kind of patient persistence with a customer. He nodded—not that he understood, though. Then again, he doubted that he would **ever** understand menstrual cycles. "Right."

"Well, it's always good to carry extra for those unexpected leaks!"

Siegfried stared impassively at her. "…it's not for me."

The girl's smile lost its bright edge and she tried not to show her surprise. "Oh, then, for your mother?" she said in a slightly less enthusiastic tone.

"She's dead."

"For your sister?"

"Don't have one."

There was a very long pause. "…for your girlfriend?"

He supposed getting an extra package wouldn't hurt, especially if it was for no extra charge like the girl kept babbling about. Anyway, it reduced the chances of Anzu using them all up within the next week or so and him having to return to this store to fetch new ones.

"Alright, then," he contented and reached down to take three blue packages dotted with squares off the shelf.

Siegfried found instant relief in his heart. Now all he had to do was find the cashier and get the Hell out of this wretched place. He glanced at his feet where all the other packages he had scattered laid and shrugged uncaringly. He saw no reason as to why the Kawai salesgirl couldn't clean up his little accident—after all, she worked here.

He turned back to chestnut-haired female, who now had a jerky expression on her face. Siegfried ignored this. "Excuse me, fraulein. Do you know where the check-out line is?"

She wordlessly pointed to her left. Siegfried nodded and began walking in that direction out of the aisle with the pads in his arms. After a moment of internal deliberation, the young girl made up her mind to follow him. The German man noticed that he had somebody tagging along and looked curiously at her. He stopped walking. She stopped walking.

"Ja?"

The girl cupped her hands around her mouth and leaned over as if to tell him a secret of some sort.

"So how do you two have sex? I mean I never understood lesbian relationships…"

* * *

"…**lesbian?** I mean—_excuse me_—how DARE that little wench—_move, please_—I'll have that girl arrested—_oww…_" he winced as yet another person conveniently bumped into shoulder. That man was the fifth one this aisle. Siegfried spun around. "_Would it kill you to keep your body parts to yourself?"_

As he stalked away, he could hear a distant voice whining, "_Aww man! She didn't grab my ass!"_

Siegfried felt like crying. Why did nature curse him with such feminineness? Being attractive was one thing, but being attractive to the same-sex gender?

_Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. _

He shook his head and brushed the nauseating feeling off. It didn't matter now. He had gotten what he had meant for and that's all that mattered. Siegfried was about to take a step towards the direction of the nearest exit when a thought suddenly hit him. Wouldn't it look somewhat gauche if he just waltzed up to a cash register, carrying nothing but an armful of pads? He frowned. It **DID** look mighty suspicious. People might start seeing him as some mentally depraved pervert.

Thinking quickly, he zoomed to the next aisle and zipped around, taking some random items from the shelves and threw them into an empty basket lying conveniently on the floor next to him. How did it get there he did not know. Nor did he care.

Sweeping his hand through various shelves, Siegfried eventually found his basket filled with cat litter, dish detergent, a bag of pretzels, a package of triple AAA batteries, a box of bite-sized cheese snacks, something that looked like a balloon shaped in as an iguana, herbal cough drops, a fresh package of unsharpened #2 pencils, a thirty dollar disk-man, a bag of sour candy, pink girly hairclips that coincidentally matched his hair and further increased his feminine appearance in society's eyes…

…Siegfried took one look at the hairclips, threw them on the floor, and stomped on them wrathfully.

Now armed with his basket filled with miscellaneous and useless items that did NOT include female hair accessories of any kind—especially ones that were pink—Siegfried made his merry way to the cash register, half-wondering what troubles would wait for him once he got there. He walked up to an open register with a small line and began unloading his items, ignoring the stares from other customers.

"What are you staring at?" he growled at one man who had shot him a sideways wink. The man quickly looked away. Siegfried huffed and glanced at his magnificent watch—a Sinn 203 Arktis Bracelet with solid stainless steel construction, automatic winding mechanical chronograph movement, a rotating bezel with large 60 second indicator and luminous arctic blue dials suitable for commercial and military operations in extreme alpine/high-altitude settings and/or undersea rescue operations.

Only half an hour had past since he left the mansion; he still had time. To brighten his luck, the line shortened quickly until it was finally his turn.

…

The cashier was some prissy-looking fellow with piercing green eyes that rivaled the color and brilliance that Siegfried possessed (though his eyes were obviously far prettier) and what looked like a dead raccoon's tail hanging from the back of his head (his hair was prettier too). He also had a dice earring hanging from his left ear and the name '_Ryuuji Otogi'_ printed on his nametag.

Siegfried ignored all of this and began unloading his items onto the convey belt, avoiding eye contact with this Otogi person. He wanted no questions asked, hopefully. The CEO gathered all his energy to focus on the items in front of him rather than the cashier who was now giving him a probing glance every now and then.

A bag of pretzels zipped by him, and then came the bag of sour candy…the pencil lead…cheese snacks…

_Beep…beep…beep…_

"Like the suit."

Siegfried snapped out his trance and glanced up at the source of the voice. The green-eyed boy was talking to him. "What?" —he glimpsed down— "Oh, thanks."

"Looks real fancy."

All irritation with the cashier instantly vanished. Siegfried puffed out his chest proudly in a manner only Germans could. "The best that money can buy."

Otogi nodded. "Wow. You must be rich," he commented, impressed.

"You wouldn't know half of it, my friend."

"Well let me tell you, I'm no stranger to business—" Otogi cut of his sentence as he stared at the package of sanitary napkins in his hand. How it just stood out from the rest of the items on the black conveyer belt with its purple polka-dotted covering and the foreign phrases like 'super-absorbent!' and 'extra comfy!' popping out like campaign slogans on a poster.

Otogi looked at the excessively decorated package, looked at Siegfried, and then looked back down at the package again before hastily sweeping it over the scanner. Siegfried pretended to be interested in a package of gum on the rack next to him.

"—uh, as I was saying, a fellow and I had made a really important partnership deal a while back. It was supposed to bring in big bucks."

"You don't say…"

Otogi sighed. "Yeah, but he's sick now, so the deal has yet to finish. You remind me of him, you know…anyway, here's your receipt." Smiling slightly, he handed Siegfried a slip of paper and a full plastic bag. "Thank you for shopping at Wal-mart. Have a nice day."

Siegfried dazedly took the bag and ogled at the cashier named Otogi. Was that it? No mistaking him for a female, death threats or unanticipated questions about his personal sex life? Was this man for real? He warily looked around, half-expecting somebody to spring up behind the counter and shout, "Just kidding!" and begin firing a machine gun at him.

When it became obvious this Otogi fellow didn't plan on any unanticipated frolics, Siegfried burst out with an uncharacteristic "_Whoop_!" and hurried out of the store all the while scaring a married couple that just strolled in.

The green-eyed boy stared after him. "Just like Pegasus on vodka…" he muttered and began counting the money in the cash register.

Otogi barely got to 1000 yen when a man with an unusually spiky head approached him and draped his arm around his shoulder. "Bad luck with love again?" he heckled roguishly. "Told ya you should have purred."

No response. Otogi continued counting the money.

He grinned. "Ah, oh well. That's what happens when you don't have my charm or skill to bring in the babes."

"Wondrous, except I wasn't trying to hit on _him_."

Honda blinked as these words sunk in. "…shut up."

* * *

Siegfried felt rather giddy as he waltzed down the street. Where his limo was, he did not know. Assumingly, he had to walk home instead…not that he minded. Another sane human being thought he was a man and that's all that mattered right now!

"Hey, wait! Yo—_excuse me_—not you. You wait!"

Hold on…dammit, he knew that voice.

"Wait a minute! _WAIT_!"

Siegfried knew he should have just made a run for it, but apparently his feet were too obedient following the voice's instructions to listen to his own common sense. Siegfried stood there rigidly, counting the seconds that passed by until the footsteps behind him finally slowed down. He turned around, already knowing the face that matched the voice.

It was that chestnut-haired salesperson who called him a lesbian. Siegfried gripped his right wrist from reaching up and throttling the girl like crazy.

Shizuka Kawai ignored his pained expression and held out those _pink girly hair clips_. "Here, you forgot these inside the store!"

Oh the horror. Is that what she came to him for? Siegfried stared at her as if she were a disfigured porcupine. Was she **trying **to force feminineness onto him? "And what do you want me to do with these?" he gaped.

Her eyebrows knitted in confusion. "Put them in your bag of course!" she replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You bought them!"

The German man forcefully pushed them back into her hands. "No, I didn't. There's nothing on the receipt that said I bought anything of the sort."

"Your basket was overfilled with junk and these fell off the top by accident. But I knew you really wanted them so here…" she trailed off and leaned forward to place the hairclips into his plastic shopping bag.

He moved the bag to the right. She moved her hand to the right.

He moved the bag to the left. She moved her hand to the left.

He moved the shopping bag behind him and far away from her reach. Hopefully, his body movements would give her his subliminal message.

Apparently it didn't. The girl huffed and arched forward, placing her hands on her waist, looking mutinously like Anzu as she did so.

"Look, I decided to do you a favor and buy these for you, so be grateful," Shizuka scowled, ignoring the fact Sieg never asked for the hairclips in the first place. "I thought they were pretty and really matched your hair, so I didn't mind spending the extra 350 yen…"

Siegfried winced at this statement. Once again, she spoke to him as if he had ovaries. He then gave her his most intimidating 'are-you-bullshitting-me' look. "I suppose you didn't watch me throw them out and curse them into oblivion, right?" he asked sarcastically.

Shizuka dropped the angry act and looked sincerely thoughtful for a moment. "Well, there was a nice guy named Varon who said something about that before." She then frowned, her expression growing ugly. "He also wanted to introduce me to some fruitcake, strip-dancer named Amelia or something but I told him I wasn't interested in girls and that anyway, I already had a boyfriend."

The CEO slapped his hand over his eyes. So she couldn't distinguish other people's genders either. This made him feel slightly better. It proved that he wasn't the only feminine guy in the world.

"Anyway, do you want to know who my boyfriend is?"

He peeked through his fingers. "…I really rather not be enlightened."

Shizuka took his answer as an invitation to boast about her personal life. "Ok, then, Seto Kaiba's my boyfriend," she stated mindlessly, twirling a strand of hair with her forefinger. "Yeah, the chairperson of KaibaCorp. Yeah, KaibaCorp's the huge building in the middle of this city. He's as sexy as the newspapers describe him as and he's twice as rich as Bill Gates."

Siegfried was about to mention—but something else beat him to it—that it was impossible for Seto Kaiba to be the richest man in the world because Bill Gates (despite the fact he wasn't so fond of the idea himself) was the richest man in the world, **no questions asked**. J.K. Rowling was the richest _female _in the world, but last time Siegfried checked, Seto Kaiba was not a female. Then again, he never checked.

What stopped him from mentioning this was the shock impact.

"_Herr Kaiba's your **boyfriend**?"_

Siegfried felt his heart plummet. Seto Kaiba? SETO KAIBA? She was his archrival's **woman**?

"…"

Now under normal circumstances, thoughts of kidnapping, bankruptcy and revenge would immediately swarm his mind. But this time around, Siegfried felt slightly less complied to do anything of the sort with the chestnut-haired standing in front of him—Kaiba's girlfriend or not. Siegfried had no intentions to rob her, take her hostage, or send a letter of warning to her bastard boyfriend.

It just didn't seem to click. All abduction plots led directly to a dead end. She was a bouncy, bubbly female with the mentality of a fangirl. She insulted his masculinity two out of three times they had met. She was fourteen. Siegfried grimaced.

"Well, of course! I needed to get somebody to put down those guys, you know. Otogi and Honda-kun took up jobs as cashiers the moment they heard I got a job there." Shizuka shook her head "Really. I wonder if they'll ever get the hint that I'm just not interested in them."

She aptly decided to ignore the dismayed expression on his face.

"…you pretended to be somebody's girlfriend so other men would be afraid to court you?"

Shizuka tossed her silky locks in a manner that made Siegfried slightly envious. "I'm not complaining—Seto buys me everything I want" —she shrugged nonchalantly— "even if he did auction my bra on E-bay once."

His mouth dropped wider. "He sold your _undergarments_ on an internet bidding website?" he gaped in disbelief.

It was then that she turned around and eyed him cagily. "Well, you can't blame him—he needs money."

Siegfried blinked, an expression of fury slowly rising on his face. "Money? He _has_ money! He has more money than mine and Herr Pegasus' companies combined!"

The brunette regarded him with a curious expression. "…err…who are you?"

"Siegfried von Schroider, heir and chief executive of SchroiderCorp," he stated loudly. "His company and my company are archrivals!"

Shizuka looked confused for a moment before snapping her fingers. "Oh, wait, I heard of you!" she exclaimed. "You're that crazy faggot who tried to hack into Seto's business and mess up their computer thingy! Seto mentioned you one time after sex."

He could find no way to cope with that. Siegfried facefaulted.

"…he called me a pile of sticks?" he deadpanned.

She shot him a confused look. "What? No, after **OUR** sex," she explained.

Siegfried felt his patience wearing thin. "Yes, um, I believe I just said that."

"I heard you say something about a stick. I don't know how long his penis is—has it ever occurred to you I don't measure these things?"

"…"

"So, who's your girlfriend anyway?"

"…"

Siegfried was still trying to recover from the pure blatant shock of her last comment. He stared at her for a moment, a bamboozled expression on his face. "Huh…?" —he blinked again— "Oh, a girl named Anzu."

"Anzui? You mean Anzu Mazaki?" Shizuka grinned cheerily. "I know her! We're pretty good friends!" Her grin then turned into a frown and she placed a finger on her lip in confusion. "Weird how she turned out this way. I mean, I thought she sought after Yami and I didn't realize she was homosexual…hmm, have you ever thought—ah…uh, Schroider-san…heh, err…"

Shizuka smiled sheepishly and slowly backed away.

"…why are you looking so angry?"

* * *

Michelle slid another sour candy straw out of the package, and thrust it in her mouth. "So anyway…why **WERE** you holding a bucket filled with cold water?" she asked her friend between chewing.

Sinnitha frowned, sucking on her lollipop. "I don't know. That's like asking why are working in Japan first place when we're both Chinese, I originally lived in Europe, and you're too young to actually work in a supermarket?"

Michelle pondered this, letting the ends of the straw bounce haphazardly in her mouth as she continued walked down the street. "We get sushi for free."

"But you don't eat sushi."

"Oh yeah…"

The girls immediately stopped walking as two men in white passed them, each one holding the end of stretcher. On top of the stretcher laid the body of an unconscious girl with chestnut hair. She had one arm draped dramatically over her forehead as if she was posing in a scene in 'Wicked'.

Michelle popped out the candy from her mouth and pointed it at the girl on the stretcher. "Hey. Doesn't she take the one o' clock shift?"

Before Sinnitha had a chance to respond, a scurfy-looking man with a mustache walked up to them, trying to look important and intimidating. He was dressed in the typical officer's uniform and held a clipboard in his arm. "Excuse me, young ladies, but what are you doing?"

"Walking."

"Well then walk somewhere else. A terrible crime has been performed on a young girl and we need all non-witnesses to leave."

Before either of the two could point out that—1) this was the only road that returned back to Wal-mart so had no choice but to walk on it, 2) he himself was a non-witness, 3) the harassment of two young girls eating candy by an elderly man abusing his authority was **ALREADY** a terrible crime—the police officer continued.

"We have no solid background as to what actually caused this horrible state of affairs, but several spectators reported that the girl was talking another pink-haired woman, who is believed to be her mother. Apparently, the two were having a heated argument when the mother suddenly lost control of her anger stabbed her daughter with a sharp, dangerous weapon." He held up a lone pink hairclip in front their eyes. "We believe it was battery and assault."

He looked at the Wal-mart employees with an overly serious face in an attempt to make the whole situation sound more lethal and grave than it actually was. The two exchanged wary glances.

"Did this pink-haired woman dress…awkwardly?" Michelle asked, her eyebrow quirking up.

"As in a pink suit and with frilly cuffs," Sinnitha elaborated quickly.

The police officer flipped through his clipboard and looked surprised. "Actually, yes, that's exactly what one witness described his clothing as." He stared at the black-haired girls with suspicion. "How do you know this? Do you happen to be acquainted with this particular suspect?"

"No," they both replied instantaneously.

* * *

The front door slammed open. Siegfried stood fumingly in the doorway, his emerald eyes blazing with green flames of fury.

Anzu was waiting in the hallway, looking nothing like she did three hours ago. Her whole body from head to toe was dripping wet and the whole mansion reeked of…something unpleasant. Siegfried's eyebrow twitched. (He tried to ignore the fact Anzu's negligee was sticking to her skin in a very attractive manner because sex was way out of the question.) What did she do?

Anzu huffed, ignoring the would-be brain tumor growing out of her boyfriend's vein. "I had to resort to magazines…"

Siegfried didn't want to ask whether she meant for entertainment or for personal hygiene. He shoved his hand into the grocery bag and flung her the desired package she needed so badly.

The brunette stared at the pads. "Siegfried," she finally said after a minute of full contemplating silence. "What the hell is this piece of crap?"

"…the napkins you ordered, your majesty," he scathed back, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Her eyebrows knitted and Anzu looked at Siegfried with a confused look on her face. "What? But this isn't what I asked for! The packing is supposed to be purple and there's supposed to be squares on the front, not polka-dots!"

Siegfried bit his lip. This was ridiculous. Didn't women know how to acclimatize? "Blue is purple. And squares resemble polka-dots. Maybe you just have bad eyes."

She frowned. "Uh, **no **I don't." Anzu threw the package of sanitary napkins to the ground and shook her head. "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to return this. There's just no other way."

Siegfried gave her an incredulous look as if she had just asked him to rob Fort Knox using a math compass as a lock-pick. He puffed his chest and raised his index finger in a declaring manner. "_There is always another way!_" he was about to burst out until he noticed Anzu narrowing her eyes. She crossed her arms and tapped her foot in annoyance.

"Listen, buster, the store doesn't close until eight. Would it _kill_ you to just go out again?"

His lip curled. "…perhaps."

Hearing this, Anzu spun away and crossed her arms. "Well, if that's the case then you're better off dead then be so shamed…leaving a poor girl in need like this." She shot him an icy glare. "And you call yourself a man?"

That was the last straw. Siegfried refused to take yet_ another_ insult towards his masculinity lying down. "It is freezing cold, dear woman, and I'll be damned if you expect me to—"

But she never heard what her boyfriend expected her to do because at that exact moment, the telephone rang. Shooting a quick glare at the CEO, Anzu hurried over to the kitchen and picked up the receiver.

"Hi, Mazaki resid—oh, hello, Kaiba-kun, I hadn't expected a call from you. How are you doing—huh, excuse me, WHAT? He did **WHAT** to poor Shizuka? And she's being taken to the HOSPITAL now? Uh-huh, uh-huh, really. Oh my God, I'm so sorry, Kaiba-kun, really—"

_Click._ Anzu gritted her teeth as he hung up on her during mid-apology. "SIEGFRIED!"

In the background, the Siegfried paled considerably. He cracked a less than dignified grin at the terrifying sight called his girlfriend induced with PMS. "On second thought, you're right, I'm wrong, I'll go right now, love you, see you, be back by eight, don't kill me, **bye**."

Before the brunette was able to retort to that mishmash of words, she saw a blur of girly pink zip out the front door and slam it shut right underneath her nose.

Anzu threw down the phone. "MEN!"


End file.
